The Fablieaux

A father was accused of using a dog shock collar on his four children. Salem, Oregon Police Lt. Dave Okasa said the 41-year-old man was jailed Tuesday on charges of criminal mistreatment. He said the father acknowledged putting the electronic dog collar on his four children and shocking all of them at least once each time they misbehaved.

“Well, at first I didn’t realize they were shock collars. I just thought they were acting out what they see on TV. Thinking back, it explains why they never left the yard.”, admitted Jack Nievens, “Just the same, you’d better not look in the basement.”

According to Okasa, the father didn’t do it as a punishment. Rather, he thought it was routine. “My parents leashed me, as did theirs before them. Don’t you want to hear about the retractable leashes?”

The children, all younger than 10, are in the custody of their mother. The case has been referred to state Department of Human Services.

Police arrested a 29-year-old man on car theft charges at a church in Norwich, CT on Sunday, the same church Police Capt. Timothy Menard attends regularly. Menard told the Norwich Bulletin that it seemed like every time the suspect needed gas, he stole a new car.

“You mean these cars belong to someone?” a visibly confused Daniel Riosan told The Fablieux , “Some guy at the dealership told me it was all part of the new Transportation Plan“.

Police said the suspect went from one car dealership to another to steal cars and had left the church pastor’s contact card at a Plainfield dealership before stealing a car from there. Pastor Bernard, of the Norwich Diocese, admitted “Yes. We did have a theme this month of the Lord ‘Helping Those Who Help Themselves’, but we didn’t expect anyone to take us literally. We certainly didn’t expect our calling to card to be left at each scene of the crime either. I think we must bear some of the responsibility, here.”

Menard said the pastor of Norwich Alliance Church alerted him to the suspect’s presence. Menard cuffed the suspect and walked him out. Police said that they found a Honda Civic stolen Friday from a Groton, CT dealer in the church parking lot.

Riosan summed things up, saying “I see this as a victimless crime. When you think about it, it all makes sense. If you need a car, you just take one from where you are, and leave it when you get to your destination. I’m just sorry I got caught up in the hoax.”