The Fablieaux

A father was accused of using a dog shock collar on his four children. Salem, Oregon Police Lt. Dave Okasa said the 41-year-old man was jailed Tuesday on charges of criminal mistreatment. He said the father acknowledged putting the electronic dog collar on his four children and shocking all of them at least once each time they misbehaved.

“Well, at first I didn’t realize they were shock collars. I just thought they were acting out what they see on TV. Thinking back, it explains why they never left the yard.”, admitted Jack Nievens, “Just the same, you’d better not look in the basement.”

According to Okasa, the father didn’t do it as a punishment. Rather, he thought it was routine. “My parents leashed me, as did theirs before them. Don’t you want to hear about the retractable leashes?”

The children, all younger than 10, are in the custody of their mother. The case has been referred to state Department of Human Services.

“Ignorance Is No Defense” was Rapper T.I.’s thesis as he represented himself. Shown here, the celebrity fought to keep himself out of doing time by claiming that he was “… as ignorant as a hick from Little Rock.”

Clifford J. Harris, Jr. apologized to the media Friday for not having any combination of the initials “T.I.” in his real name. “It was just something I saw on a calculator.”, he claimed.

In a sweet twist of irony, the rapper was sentenced to fill his 12 month term in the state he has drawn so much anger from-Arkansas. “I want to do time where I can get some street cred, chillin’ with my homies in Brooklyn House of Detention, or somethin’ like that.”

Joseph Etma, Honorary Leader of the New York City Wardens Organizations, lamented that “We are in a space crisis here in New York City right now. We desperately need criminals to fill our empty cells. Our wards are nearly empty, and the incarceration of someone with this rapper ‘IT’s celebrity, we could bring the prison population back to where it was in days gone by.”

While it is true that New York’s prison system is facing a financial crunch that seemingly only crime can fix, T.I.’s “posse” sees a chance to “throw two stones at a bird” by teaming with the NYC Prison Guard Union, and keep their matriark from a near certain death at the hands of greasy farmers and immigrants in Arkansas’ correctional system for a full 12 months. “Yo”, spoke T-Bone, T.I.’s left hand man, “Those cheese-heads would get those crackers to look the other and lay my man on the slab faster than greased pig. For real.”

Chief Prosecutor Alan Meenes was unable to contain his disappointment, almost being brought to tears at the sentencing hearing, realizing that the rapper would have been torn apart were he to serve in New York, as he sobbed, “He is a Red Sox fan. A Red Sox fan, damn it.”